A Short Story about Manners

I loathe it when the short people* try to order me around.

I was a babysitter for years before I had children and the little screams of "MILK!!" or "Give me _____!" drove me bananas.  So pretty much from birth, we've worked on "please," "thank you" and "wait your turn."

Elliot is pretty good about it all and is starting to have nice little manners.

But for the past few months, he's been saying "How are you doing?", which sounds an awful lot like "How you doin'?"

I'll say "Fine, thank you," then ask him how he's doing and he'll say "Yeh."

It drives me bananas.**

So we talked about how a much nicer answer is "Fine, thank you."  And he's been pretty good with it.

He gets the reasoning and the appropriate time to use the phrase, but lately he's been a little off in his elocution. ***  And it's fine with me because I talk to him all the time and understand almost everything that he says.  It all sounds pretty normal to my ears.

This morning, as I'm making Elliot's breakfast,**** Husband is walking through the kitchen as he's getting ready to leave for work.

Elliot says, "Mama, how you doing?"

I reply, "Fine, thank you," then I ask him how he's doing and he replies.

Husband starts laughing and asks if I am listening.

Apparently, to the untrained ear, Elliot's reply doesn't sound so much like "Fine, thank you" as it does "F@#@ you."

Oh well.






*By this I mean children, not midgets with bad manners.

 **Not only for the "Yeh," but also for the Jersey Shore-ness of it all.

***He's still little, not quite two.  So he still has a little trouble with some of the pronunciations.

****Putting waffles in the toaster. 

This is not Daisy

This is not me and that is not my new baby, Daisy.

This is a gorilla in the London Zoo and her new baby.

Image via AP and Jezebel.com

But we're both a bit tired and a bit busy, so please be patient for a few more days because unlike this mama gorilla, I'll be back here soon...

And my sweet Daisy is cuter than this baby gorilla, if you can believe it....

The Culinary Habits of Elves

Once upon a time I had an elfin grandmother.

She was not an actual magical creature like a dwarf* or a woodland sprite, but she was short and round and mischievous.

Also that is not some cropped out ex-boyfriend.  It's one-half of my brother, but he is not germane to this story, so he didn't make the cut. He won't mind. 

Seriously, look at the photo.  I am short-ish person, but I am hunched over and folded up on the sofa.  She is sitting up straight and tall.  And her feet were so small, that I always wondered how she didn't topple over.

My point is, I've been thinking about her lately, for a variety of reasons, but also because she could cook.**

She did "farm to table" when it was just called "dinner."

She was such a good cook that the day before her funeral, we gathered in the minister's office to talk about her, so he would have stories to tell from us to use in his sermon.  The first thing any of us said was, "She sure could cook." And we talked about her fried chicken and her lemon pies. About how she would always want us to eat.  And how most of the time*** it was so good that if you had one bite, you would eat every single bit.

I should have written down more of her recipes or at least learned the name of what I loved.****

For years I have been looking for little green peas or purple butterbeans.  And a about a month ago, I found small tubs of what they called "cream peas" in the Whole Foods.*****

So I bought the entire stock and came home and started googling for recipes.  I found this one, which is not exactly how I remember Meme's (I highly doubt she would use garlic, for instance), but it's sort of close.  So I've been playing with it and modifying it and below is what I've come up with.  It's not exactly Meme's peas, but it's close and it's good.

Elfin Cream Peas
Buy what you can, then you'll need the following for each pound of peas. (I highly recommend starting with at least two pounds.  They only get better each day.)

- 4 slices bacon
-1 small onion
- 1 clove garlic
- 1/2 tsp salt
- 1/2 tsp pepper
- 1 cup water

Chop the bacon, onion and garlic.  Rinse the peas.

Toss the bacon, garlic and onions in a big pot.  The bacon will provide enough fat to cook the onions and garlic.

Stir around until the onions are translucent and the bacon is cooked.

Then add the peas, salt and pepper.

Then add water, which should just cover the peas.  (Below is probably just a little too much.) And don't be shy with the salt and pepper. Taste it all occasionally and add more.  The amount of salt and pepper is just a starting point.

Bring it to a rolicking***** boil for about 15 or 20 minutes. Then let it simmer for at least an hour.  Good stuff, I promise.

Meme would make you eat at least two helpings.

______________________________________________________________

*Not to be confused with dwarves, woodland sprites or any other actual magical creatures.

Bonus points for recognizing one of the dwarves.

Though, on the subject of woodland sprites....Would you know one if you saw one? Googling comes up with this.  But for years, I've always thought of one as more like this.  No joke.  Then shrink him down just a little bit so he's about as tall as I am, shave his mustache, put him in loose overalls, douse him in pachouli, take away his shoes, make him a mega-fan of the Grateful Dead and "natural substances," circa 1995 or so.  Then make sure when he gets hyper or excited, he hops sideways from foot to foot.  I know this because I am 98% certain that I met an actual woodland sprite once at a friend's mountain cabin.  We had sneaked off after exams to take a day off before holidays with our families. And our own personal woodland sprite showed up for a little visit.  Trust me on this.  It freaked me out. 

**I am still pregnant and hungry.  And along with Little Debbie Swiss Cake Rolls, chocolate milk and peanut better sandwiches, I want Meme's cooking. Elliot was made almost entirely of pickled vegetables, chocolate popsicles and mandarin orange slices.  This baby girl has a serious sweet tooth. 

***Her skills did not extend to all foods, though. You could always trust anything fried, vegetable based or if it had Cool Whip or frosting as a component.  But with any baked goods, it was wise to check twice before eating.  Based on her brownie making skills alone, I was in my early twenties before I realized that "from scratch" was not "synonymous with 'tastes like shite."  No joke.  But really, as long as you remembered to stay away from the brick-like brownies, you'd be all good. 

****Let this be a lesson to write it all down...also, to snag the cast iron skillet while the snaggin's good.  I don't know where her skillet ended up, but I hope whoever has it, appreciates that it is seasoned with six or more decades of goodness.

*****Another Southern raised friend of mine says they are called young field peas and I think she may be right, but cream peas was printed on the sticker, so that's what I am going with today.  She stared at me blankly when I said purple butterbeans.  But I know they exist out there somewhere.