In Which I Explain Red Carpets and Introduce a Candidate Better Than the Wrinkly White Haired Guy

On red carpets, the order of celebrities is fixed and firm.* 

And how much control any reporter is allowed in their questioning is in direct inverse order to the particular celebrity's fame. 

The socialites, party girls and reality stars come first posing and preening, while the big circulation magazine reporters talk to each other instead of asking them even the most meager of questions.**  They usually don't have handlers or publicists.

Next are the up-and-comers, the kids who are debuting in the Next Big Show on the network. Often they will come in a group with one handler or they will each travel down the line of reporters, but their publicists will be junior.  (This will change over the course of the season according to the show's popularity, if one actor dates another in real life or if "secret" naked shots are "found.")

Then come the D listers, who were once on a  hit television show, but have been on hiatus or on an extended vacation. They will have publicists who will helpfully offer tips on lines of questioning and any access necessary.  Often the actor will be standing there looking a little plaintive, so you humor the publicist.  Plus, often you loved that actor in when you were in middle school, so it's kind of cool.

Then the C-listers, who are niche actors.  They are either eagerly clambering up the next two rungs of the alphabet ladder or are just confident and happy about where they are. Often, if they are well-managed and smart, they've have branched out into producing or writing.  

So really they just don't care a bit about this event and will love it if you've done your homework and know their resume.  They have slightly pushy publicists who will either stand back calmly and let you chat or will tap their foot smugly.

B-Listers and A-Listers often slip between the two levels depending on their visibility on any given day. Both have solid careers and name recognition, and the shift often comes when that actor has a project coming out.  (B-Listers come before the A-Listers on the red carpet, of course.)  

Both have toe-tapping publicists, but the real key comes with the amount of questions allowed.

The publicists of B-Listers, say "Two questions, ONLY." (Note: Be warned---If one of these is "Hi How are you today?" That counts.) 

Publicists of A-Listers, smile and say "Sorry, we're just doing photos today."

Then there are the ones that defy any category...the REALLY big stars.  They always have publicists who are cold, but friendly.  These stars talk all they'd like to the news outlets they like and to the journalists they know. 

Then when the doors to the event are almost closed, here comes another round of the socialites and party girls.

All this to say, that back when celebrity reporting was my full-time job, I remember when Paris was in the groups at the very beginning and at the very end, stopping in a few of the alphabet stations along the way.  If there were photographers, she would go to the opening of a window as well as the VH1 Music Awards After Party at the Four Seasons.  

Because those sorts of things were in my job description as well, I've interviewed her sporadically her over the years. (And once, after an interview, I ask her to give back the fuzzy fingerless gloves she wore for a photo shot.)  

While, I've always though she was more intelligent than her vapid onscreen persona would have you believe, I am impressed with her newly unveiled knowledge, grasp of politics and prowess in the matters of energy conservation.

So, while I am wholeheartedly supporting Obama, if for some reason you can't get behind him, Vote for Paris.  

I'm fairly certain she'd be better than the Wrinkly White Haired Guy.

Loves it.

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(From Funny or Die via Gawker)

* This is merely the condensed version of the Red Carpet Rules.  There are many nuances and exceptions to each rule. Trade secrets, you understand.  I'd tell you, but you'd have to pay me. 

**Unless of course that socialite, party girl or reality star is dating or working on a "project" with a celebrity who ranks at least in the first three letter of the alphabet.